I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
