Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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