my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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