were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
