Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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