I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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