I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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