Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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