My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
