I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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