She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
