I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
