got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Randomize
