my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
