Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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