This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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