I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
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