i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
