I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
