Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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