Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
