i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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