I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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