I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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