the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
