just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
