His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
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