the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
