So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
