Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
