dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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