____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
