Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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