I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
