I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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