Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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