once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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