just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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