she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
