dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
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