She's JV to your varsity
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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