There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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