I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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