if i can run in heels then i can drive
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
