she woke up with a sticky ear
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize