I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize