if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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