Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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