This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
