girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
