Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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