Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize