I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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