So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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