the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Randomize
