that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
