so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
