And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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