My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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