last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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