My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
