I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
