i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize