Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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