no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
