this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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