I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
